I have a planet inside my head. In there, I often start to cut my inner reality to paste it in here: my current and real life. This week, I was challenged by my favourite person in this world to write with more hope and less pessimism. I was in a cold place, bored to death and I began to hear a voice inside of me that dictated, as many times before, a new poem. I started to write it, with the conviction that hear in this form was a kind of gift or something like that. I posted it on my poetry account on Facebook (Ediciones FarsaAguada), proud of it. And I ‘shared it with happiness . only to realize two days after the first two lines were a plagiarism of a song by Concha Buika.
I had been listening to her frantically and obsessively because when I hear her throat thunder and her voice exploded, for that very moment my voices seem to not exist, they remain silent. I started hearing voices more than twenty years ago. Most of the time I identify them as hallucinations and I keep going, but sometimes it takes more time and work to distinguish them. They sometimes help me write, dictating words or phrases that end up fascinating me and making writing easier. But this time they deceived me. I had to delete my post and clarify to those who shared it that it was a plagiarism.
At another time I would have cried and entered into total crisis to recognize myself delirious. But I gathered all my positivism and I googled my last writings to make sure that none repeated the same fate. And in the middle of this process I found a new song that obsessed me and without a doubt made my delirium more kind, hopeful and that fulfilled the purpose of diminishing my pessimism. I heard Buika a thousand times sing Her SACRED GOLD for me, via YouTube, repeating for myself: “I would shut things up so you can hear my desperate song”.
So my conclusion is that I could throw myself into a delirious drama of reaching a point where I do not recognize the voices that are not mine. But if in that same trance I can hear Her screaming at me that she will silence all things so that I can hear her desperate song, I melt with love, hope and a lot of pride that every day. I am becoming more aware of my hallucinations. Although at this point, I doubt if that fully meets the main objective. But I feel happy now for having noticed it and for sharing it.