This might be a good title for my memoirs. As far as I can remember I have felt all sorts of guilt and a constant fear of being forsaken. However, and although these two elements have invariably led me into disaster through my entire life, it was only very recently that I became aware of their toxicity.
For some reason, I had never associated before the BPD (borderline personality disorder) diagnostic criteria about fear of abandonment with this sense of blame.
I feel guilty all the time. When I receive an SMS message and do not answer to it right away. When I refuse to do some favor because I do not feel like it. When I am late. When the meal I just cooked does not taste great. When I express my opinion. When I remember that there are homeless people, roofless and hungry. When I lose my grip. When I put on some weight. When my house looks untidy. When I see that my wishes differ from everyone else’s. I feel guilty all the time.
Guilt can be a self-control tool. When experiencing guilt, almost any person thinks over her past actions in order to spot any errors that must be corrected, and this helps to stop feeling at fault.
Not me. In my life guilt has become an all-powerful dictator. It has managed to convince me that whatever I do, no matter how hard I try, or how far I reach, it is always wrong. And wrong things frighten and annoy the people I love. And the people I love might turn me down and desert me.
This fear not only breaks my heart, but also prevents me from getting on with my life. The only thing I can do is stress me out into exhaustion. The fear of scaring my loved ones off and alienate myself is too strong, so I end up hating myself for it, and this hatred triggers off a set of collateral symptoms such as inflicting self-injuries and having suicidal thoughts.
I also feel guilty about writing about this without having found a possible solution to it, but I understand that the search for answers is a hard, everyday endeavour that will not end anytime soon.
Acknowledging this fear and its consequences is my first step towards getting out of it. Even if I still cannot glimpse the way out, the first step has already been taken.
I hereby place it on record.