All people have vulnerable spots, phrases or situations that might make them react almost automatically in a certain way. For us living with Borderline Personality Disorder, there are common triggers that can be related to some our diagnosis’ criteria.  

SOME OF THE TRIGGERS THAT CHARACTERIZE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

To be diagnosed with BPD, at least 5 out of 9 traits that can be debilitating must be identified and present chronically across most spheres of life. From these, I dare to say that the idea of being abandoned is a frequent trigger for people who have BPD: 

Criteria: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

We fear abandonment deeply. Some of us feel constantly afraid that the people we care about will abandon us or leave us. 

Many of us feel that people will walk away from us sooner or later because the world thinks that we can be too much, a liability, difficult to handle, volatile, intense, impulsive, clingy, unpredictable, reckless, unstable, strange, toxic… and many more descriptions that can be profoundly hurtful. 

At the same time, many of us feel undeserving of love too.

In case you feel identified, these are some of the phrases that people can say, most probably with no intention to be mean, that have a deep impact on me:

SOME OF OUR REACTIONS TO FEELING TRIGGERED

Some of our reactions to feeling triggered can also be aligned to other criteria of BPD:

Criteria: Chronic feelings of emptiness

If our triggers make us feel abandoned, judged, or deceived; afterwards, we might feel lost, lacking guidance or even life purpose. 

Many of us need to work hard to find fulfilment within ourselves. 

Criteria: Identity disturbance, markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Some of us experience a wavering sense of who we are as part of our regular lives. Our self-image, goals, our likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear. 

These will most probably be shaken while feeling triggered, during a crisis or even through facing a challenge that might seem insignificant to others. 

After reacting to my personal triggers, I frequently find myself asking:

Who am I really?

Am I my bad or my good side?

How can both coexist if they are so extreme?

Was I wrong or was I right?

Am I a bad person?

I honestly struggle to find clear answers. I crosscheck with my support network to ask for help to be grounded.  

Criteria: Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood – intense feelings that can last from a few hours to a few days

In general, our feelings can be disproportionate and intense. On top of that, as a main attribute of BPD, they will also shift from one to another quickly; many times, in ways that are hard for us to understand, furthermore, they are difficult to explain to others. Our minds and hearts can feel like a rollercoaster almost every day.

This cycle can be even more accelerated when feeling triggered:

Feeling hurt might lead us to feel that being abandoned is coming up. ➡️ anger can be launched as a coping mechanism desperately trying to protect ourselves. ➡️ anxiety might kick in afterwards. Did I just fuck up massively? Did I just give them undoubtable reasons to leave me? ➡️ deep sadness might follow. I am definitely fucked up. Too broken to be fixed. Not worthy. ➡️ despair, a certainty of upcoming abandonment might arise.

All these within a range of minutes! Over and over. 

Criteria: Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

And once upset, we often struggle being able to calm down. This reaction will most probably and understandably make others angry too. Things are likely to escalate, and more often than not, people’s usual mechanisms to cool things down will not work for us (taking a break to calm down is a great technique but it might take us a lot of practice to understand that this does not mean you are giving up on us). 

Criteria: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Once triggered, most messages might be received and interpreted through a black or white lens. Moving in between these poles, especially during a crisis, is a main characteristic of BPD. 

OUR RESPONSIBILITY

Us, people with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive, small things can trigger intense reactions. 

A main trait of our disorder is amplification, our feelings and reactions do not always match the magnitude of the situation accurately. They are usually far more impactful for us than for others and this applies both for pleasant (joy, feeling energetic, being empathetic, etc.) and unpleasant feelings (anger, anxiety, insecurity, sadness).  

After considering everything mentioned above, it’s essential to highlight that not all our reactions are linked to BPD. If one of our responses is negative or rude, we might simply be, like everyone else, having a tough day and acting inappropriately.

And most importantly, we all are accountable for our own reactions, with or without having BPD. No criteria for BPD is an excuse to cross boundaries. These traits are instead, useful as guidance to know where to focus our efforts, what to work on and what to address.

I know that having BPD can often make us feel exhausted, frustrated and annoyed. Having to do extra work everywhere and for everything to be able to be a tiny bit more stable seems unfair. 

Sometimes I feel that having borderline personality disorder means that my personality is, by the fault, fucked up. That my personality is wrong no matter how much I try and invest all my efforts to adapt.

It is not our fault to have BPD, but as unjust as it is, it is our responsibility to learn how to navigate it in the best way possible. 

*Check out the tips and My border life sections for resources. 

Finally, to be honest, I’m writing all this because I fear my romantic relationships are unstable because I struggle beyond myself with the idea of being abandoned (I’m sure many of you can relate). It still panics me. It still gets the best of me, despite having improved in all other areas of my life, after many years or work and of a personal commitment to what’s needed to develop resources (therapy, meds, a support network, meditation, working out, etc.) to surf through my disorder. 

When my abandonment trigger comes up, I still react with defensive anger, trying to protect myself. I delete that person’s chat and their contact. I go as far as blocking them. This imaginary distance makes me feel safer. Do you feel this way too?

And then, when the heat has calmed down and the blues hit, for the past year I have experienced a new and confusing feeling after exploding. A mix between feelings of embarrassment and empowerment that I am not able to understand, but I am desperately trying to figure out.  

However, based on my commitment to loving myself, I am determined to move forward from the current unpleasant feelings I currently find myself stuck in. 

So, my first step to try to improve is writing this. Writing helps me reflect, but it might also help me reach some of you who could share some advice or answers. 

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* If you think you could have BPD or if you’re struggling with your current condition, please seek professional care.